Dear [NAME OF COMPANY] HR Person Who Has To Read Whatever This Is…

First of all, bless ya. Seriously.

Look — I heard it was bad form to start a cover letter with “to whom it may concern,” or any of that formal-but-cold business speak. For a while, I considered “‘sup, Tina?” in the vain hope that the person in HR tasked with reading my nonsensical ramblings might, in fact, be named Tina.

Then again, if this person’s name was — in fact — Tina, they might find it very upsetting, which might lead them to — you know —…

Well, here we are…

America, we are knee-deep into primary season, with about seven months to go before the general election. Here is what I know for sure:

1) A certain number of people are going to vote for Trump no matter what.

2) A certain number of people are going to vote AGAINST Trump no matter what.

3) We’re stuck with the electoral college for the time being.

4) A certain number of people are VERY excited about Sanders.

5) A much smaller number of people are excited about Biden at all, and — in fact — Biden’s hype quotient is even less…

This freaky-ass cookie jar is gonna be important in a second. I promise.

I mean, you know how this is going to play out. We all know, deep down, in our heart of hearts, how this is going to play out. In fact, the only reason I’m bothering to write this down is so I can point to this essay and say “I told you so,” once everything collapses, because smug self-righteousness is a hell of a drug, and I’m gonna need something to take the edge off when everything goes completely Spock’s Beard in a year or two.

Now, keep in mind: I am 100% in favor of impeaching the Orange Bastard…

Colin Kaepernick became a household name this year when he staged a one-man protest against police brutality and racism by refusing to stand up for the National Anthem. Soon, other players joined him in taking a knee— not just his teammates on the San Fransisco 49ers, but players across the NFL. As protests go, it was fairly low-key . No property was damaged, no traffic was held up, and the game started on time. It was a series of small gestures that just sort of… happened. Thing is, it was incredibly powerful and effective.

Or, at least, it would have…

I’m going to say two nice things about John McCain right now. (Consider this a content warning. No, I didn’t vote for him.)

1) The thing the Senate voted on a couple of days ago — you know, that thing McCain voted “yea” on — was, essentially, a vote on whether or not the Senate should debate healthcare. It’s the thing you vote on so you can vote on the thing you want to vote on. (Yes, it’s wanky, but that’s constitutional democracy for you.)

Now, I wouldn’t personally have voted to advance the GOP’s (intentionally bad) bill to debate…

Andy Xyzzy

Person who writes things. Sometimes I record things, too.

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